Episode 81: Nicole Will's Checklist for Choosing a Senior Living Community

Disclaimer: This transcript was generated using artificial intelligence. We strive for accuracy, but minor errors and slight timestamp differences may be present due to platform differences.

[00;00;00] Nicole Will:It's not so much about picking a place to live. It's not just a housing decision. There is so much tied to it with our sense of self and our loss of independence, and so there's a lot of emotion that's happening. I think we get stuck and we want to make the best possible decision.

[00;00;24] Dr. Lakelyn:Hi, Dr. Lakelyn here. Welcome to Caregiver Chats brought to you by Home Instead. I'm so glad you're taking the time to join me. If you're a family caregiver looking for tips and resources, you've come to the right place. Don't forget to subscribe to the show on YouTube or your favorite podcast platform, and follow Home Instead on Instagram @HomeInsteadInc.Deciding whether it's time for a loved one to move into a senior living community can be incredibly emotional. There may be questions about safety and care needs, but there can also be a lot of uncertainty and pressure to make the right decision. Once families begin searching, it can be easy to focus on things we can see and compare—like the building, apartment, dining room, amenities, and activity calendar. But what if we started somewhere else? What if instead of starting with the building, we started with the person who will actually live there?That's what we're exploring today with a returning guest who has spent her career thinking deeply about caregiving and the aging experience: Nicole Will. Nicole first joined me in Episode 10 when we explored the many options available for care for older adults. Today, we're zooming in on what to consider when moving a loved one into a senior living community.Nicole is an international thought leader reshaping how we understand aging, caregiving, and connection. She's the creator of WillGather and host of the WillGather Podcast, amplifying the voices of older adults, family caregivers, and care economy professionals. With a background in social gerontology, leadership in senior living, and her own family caregiving experience, Nicole brings both a personal and professional perspective. Nicole, thank you so much for joining us today on Caregiver Chats. It's so exciting to have you back!

[00;02;23] Nicole Will:I am so happy to be here, and we get to meet in person in real life! I'm just so excited about that.

[00;02;30] Dr. Lakelyn:Yes! I feel like we have known each other for so long, so it's about time we got to sit down and have a proper chat. You were one of our early guests in Episode 10, which to this day is still one of our most popular episodes on the continuum of care. Today, we're going to narrow in on senior living communities and talk more in depth about that. So thank you so much for coming back.

[00;02;59] Nicole Will:Thank you for having me! You were a guest on my podcast, so here we are full circle. I'm really ready to dive in.

[00;03;07] Dr. Lakelyn:Me too. Nicole, since we last talked, has anything changed for you in terms of how you view the senior living continuum before we dive in with both feet?

[00;03;23] Nicole Will:So much is happening in this space. Community living is evolving in how people view it, our perceptions of what it looks like, and what's being offered. Personally, having worked in senior living for many years, I've seen such a shift, but a lot is also the same. When you have these conversations with family caregivers, you see what's been important to them and how they're navigating all the different options that can be overwhelming. But we're here to make it a little bit simpler.

[00;03;56] Dr. Lakelyn:Yes, I hope so! It can be such an overwhelming experience for families with a lot of emotions tied to it. Caregivers often say, 'I promised my loved one I'd never move them out of their home.' It's a big step. Before we talk in depth about this, it's important to acknowledge the emotional side. Why is this so emotional and so hard?

[00;04;28] Nicole Will:When you think of what is happening at that time, it's usually an event or crisis, unfortunately. In the past, we've talked about how important it is to plan ahead, but we don't always do that well because life happens. It's not just a housing decision or picking a place to live—there is so much tied to it regarding our sense of self, loss of independence, loss of a person we lived with, or mobility and health concerns. There is a lot of emotion happening. We get stuck wanting to make the best possible decision and fall into analysis paralysis. Different people might have thoughts or opinions about where they should move and what that looks like.It is incredibly emotional and speaks to our internal dialogue: 'Am I making the best decision for my future?' A family member might feel guilt, while an older adult might grapple with self-identity.

[00;05;47] Dr. Lakelyn:A lot of emotions on both the family caregiver side and the older individual making the physical move from one environment to another. It's so important to acknowledge that this is normal. Every family going through this big decision experiences these emotions, so give yourself grace because it is a big decision that families don't take lightly.I love how you approach it with the philosophy: 'Start with the person, not the building.' You've said that before. What exactly does that mean, and how can that be helpful for families?

[00;06;39] Nicole Will:A lot of times we look at a place to live based on aesthetics, appearance, or amenity offerings. But when we think of who you or your loved one are as a human, a lot goes into that: What do I love to do? How do I like to spend my days? Am I naturally introverted, where a massive complex won't be a good fit, but smaller groups and intentional moments of connection will be?It's understanding yourself as an older adult—what's important to you, where you find purpose, and where you derive joy. As a family member, do they love good food? Where can they lean into their hobbies? Getting clear on who your loved one is and what's important to them allows the building and amenities to follow.For example, where I live, there's a community that isn't the newest building with gorgeous new construction fireplaces and amenities. But when you step into that space, the community, warmth, and intentionality of the people getting to know the person is palpable. They start with a relationship with the person. That is where I make recommendations when people ask where to move. If new construction and top amenities bring your loved one joy, absolutely consider it, but there is so much more to consider than just a building.

[00;09;09] Dr. Lakelyn:When you realize an older loved one needs extra help at home, knowing where to start can feel completely overwhelming. There are so many moving parts, from managing daily care routines to setting up car rides, and it's hard to see the big picture when you're just trying to get through the day. At Home Instead, we can help make caregiving easier. Our local teams conduct a complimentary in-home care consultation to truly understand your family's unique situation. Together, we'll create a personalized care plan that fits your schedule, respects your loved one's independence, and adapts to their changing needs over time. Home Instead is here to help support your family. Schedule a free care consultation at homeinstead.com.That is so important. The building is one piece, but the community is another crucial piece. It's also natural for an adult child to have one perspective of what they're seeing versus the person who will actually move into that community. How should families navigate differing opinions?

[00;10;24] Nicole Will:In life, there are always different opinions during big life choices. With family, siblings, and adult children, the opportunity is to be curious—asking questions and being clear on what is important to your loved one. Communicate effectively: 'My opinion and motivation are based on wanting my loved one to live near me so I can visit more often,' or 'They have this structure and amenities to help my loved one be more social.'Articulate as a family why something is important and why opinions might differ. I always lean into curiosity because we can't make decisions without understanding the full picture first. It's a great place to start, even when sibling dynamics come into play.

[00;11;50] Dr. Lakelyn:Leaning into curiosity helps clear up misperceptions about why someone advocates for one community over another. There's also a difference between living *in* a community and actually *having* community. Just moving into a place with more people doesn't automatically mean a person won't feel isolated or lonely. Connecting with that community is so important. Can you unpack those two concepts?

[00;12;38] Nicole Will:We often think that moving into a community means we'll automatically make friends, find connection, and feel valued. But that's not always the case. In a large environment, there's a risk of getting lost in the shuffle. Communities have programs, activities, and ways to get people together, but my question is: Are you monitoring that? How are you capturing what Rendever calls the 'social health score' of your community?Do you have systems in place to notice who is at risk of not participating, whether they attend programming, and if friendships are developing? Beyond having a community, community leaders need to actively facilitate introductions based on shared interests and hobbies, asking questions and helping residents get to know each other. Leadership needs to set the tone that social health and belonging are vital, going deeper than just having residents living under one roof.

[00;15;07] Dr. Lakelyn:When families tour communities, how can they tell if a community has *actual* community and belonging? What should people keep an eye out for?

[00;15;40] Nicole Will:Stop in when it's not your scheduled tour time—pop in during an evening or weekend. Are people utilizing visiting spaces? Are residents naturally interacting? Do staff and team members greet residents and visitors by name, asking personal, intentional questions that show they truly know them?Do team members seem calm and confident? Dr. Becky talks about being a 'sturdy leader'—having a calm presence. In a senior living community, you want to know that the team feels solid and organized rather than chaotic. Trust your intuition when stepping into a space: Do you feel calm, happy, and content, or unsettled?Observe mealtime: Are mealtimes vibrant with people visiting at tables? Look at the social calendar: Are people actually attending activities and looking happy, or is the calendar just for show? Ask community leaders: 'How do you get to know residents when they move in? How do you monitor if Dad isn't coming to meals or socializing?'Families have agency and the right to speak up—you are a vital part of the care team. If a community isn't receptive, transparent, or willing to answer questions, that's a red flag. Just like in dating, if communication isn't there, pick a different place!

[00;19;03] Dr. Lakelyn:That's a great reason to tour multiple places to compare options. This week, I had dinner with a family caregiver who toured two assisted living communities with her mom. At one community, the tour guide knew every resident and staff member by name down to housekeeping, had genuine interactions, and addressed her mom directly by name. At the other community, they called her mom the wrong name multiple times and didn't know residents by name. Her gut intuition immediately flagged that the second community lacked a true community feel.It was so important to that adult daughter that the staff spoke directly to her mom, the person who will be living there. How crucial is that direct connection with the older adult?

[00;20;34] Nicole Will:I love that you brought that up. I once witnessed mealtime in a dementia care community where staff assisting residents with meals were chatting with each other rather than engaging with the residents. It felt uncomfortable because these older adults have lived full, successful lives filled with wisdom. I ask older adults for life, relationship, and travel advice all the time!It's a dignity question. Wanting residents to be seen, known, and spoken to directly is paramount—similar to when a physician talks to the adult child instead of the patient in front of them. Communities need accountability for dignified, person-centered dialogue. Sales and marketing often focus heavily on the adult child as the decision-maker, but we miss the mark when we don't connect directly with the older adult who will actually live there.

[00;22:57] Dr. Lakelyn:Whether in home care or community living, keeping the focus on the individual is essential. Beyond aesthetics, what practical financial and operational questions should families ask when touring? Some communities use point systems for extra care costs, while others offer all-inclusive pricing. What practical details should families clarify?

[00;24:03] Nicole Will:Every community is structured differently. Key financial questions include: Is it private pay? What happens if funds run out—is there an elderly waiver program or financial support options? Is there a rental contract for the apartment separate from a care contract, or is it combined? What happens when care needs increase—can care be provided in the current apartment, or will a move within the building be required?Look long-term at the health progression: Is food and meal service included or an extra expense? Are salon services available on site? How is billing handled? Is there a digital communication portal for families and residents to schedule transportation or review records?Ask practical social questions: How do you help residents introduce themselves and make friends? Are there assigned or unassigned seats at mealtime? (Unassigned seating can sometimes create lunchroom-style anxiety for new residents!).Ask about staffing and safety: What is the staffing ratio? Who is on site at different times of day—is an RN or care companion present? What is their training and education? How well-resourced is the community, and what is their passion for innovation and technology? Ask what technology is in place that captures data about your loved one, ensuring privacy considerations and integrous vendor partnerships (like AccuShield for visitor and volunteer check-ins).

[00;30;58] Dr. Lakelyn:How a community responds to these questions reveals their integrity and openness. Technology is entering senior living spaces, so understanding how it's managed is essential. It's also vital to ask whether a community can support a loved one long-term as care needs evolve, preventing unnecessary physical moves. Let's refresh our audience on the different community living options available.

[00;32:28] Nicole Will:Starting with higher independence:1. Independent Living (55+ / Active Living): Apartment rental agreement with amenities, programming, and transportation. Home care can also be brought in to support residents as needs change.2. Assisted Living: Private apartment living paired with daily care support from nursing assistants or care companions, along with provided meals.3. Memory Care / Dementia Care Communities: Specially designed and secured environments for individuals living with dementia, offering specialized care, meals, and programming tailored to cognitive needs.4. CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community): A campus setting offering all levels of care—independent living, assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing/rehab. This allows individuals or couples with differing needs (e.g., one spouse in memory care, one in independent living) to remain on the same campus as care needs progress.

[00;36:14] Dr. Lakelyn:CCRCs are wonderful for couples with differing care needs. Many individuals also transition into communities solo, bringing up the elements of grief and widowhood. Losing a partner is hard, and losing independence or a long-time home adds another layer of grief. Why is addressing grief and widowhood so important during senior living transitions?

[00;37:36] Nicole Will:A move is a loss, no matter how you look at it. You are leaving an environment you loved that is tied to memories, sentimentality, and often a deceased partner. Goodbye is being said to both the person and the shared home. We don't always stop to recognize what's happening emotionally because industry metrics focus on occupancy.(By the way, I dislike the word 'prospect'—it's a future resident, an older adult!).There is grief over lost health, mobility, or cognitive changes that don't align with how one envisioned aging. When you lose a spouse of 40 years, your daily cadence, social life, and identity were tied to them. Coupling that loss with a physical move is overwhelming. In community living, we don't talk enough about grief or widowhood.We need to get comfortable having harder conversations and sitting present with people in loss. Researcher Erica Peterson conducted a study on widowhood and grief among men in senior living. She found that losing a spouse impacts every part of a man's routine, social network, identity, and purpose. While communities might offer a monthly men's group, men were hungry for deeper conversations to reminisce about their wives and process grief, ultimately building deep friendships with one another. We shouldn't gloss over loneliness.

[00;43:52] Dr. Lakelyn:When transitioning into a community while grappling with grief, there's a delicate balance. Choosing the community is crucial, but ensuring a successful transition and adjustment period is equally important. Bringing continuity from home—whether familiar personal items or support from home care team members during the transition—can be immensely helpful. How can families ensure a smooth transition?

[00;45:24] Nicole Will:Ask the community: 'Do you have an integration plan for 30, 60, and 90 days?' Beyond regulatory assessments, best practice involves monitoring whether the resident is attending programs, coming to meals regularly, keeping stable weight, and making friends. Ask how the community actively facilitates social integration so residents feel immediately valued.When families share recommendations, it comes down to personal experiences. Investing in social integration creates a positive reputation and genuine testimonials because families talk!

[00;48:55] Dr. Lakelyn:Families need to know that moving a loved one into a community doesn't mean your role as a caregiver ends. You continue to advocate, check in, and stay involved. Caregivers should ask how communities maintain communication with families throughout that ongoing journey.

[00;49:59] Nicole Will:At a caregiver conference hosted by Dr. Joseph Gaugler at the University of Minnesota, a woman shared her extensive daily caregiving story for her mom. When I asked how long her mom had lived with her, she replied, 'Oh, my mom lives in a senior living community!' You are still a family caregiver even when your loved one lives in a community.Families still manage social health, relationships, legal matters, finances, grocery drop-offs, and transportation. Communities should position themselves as a hub of support for the entire family unit, recognizing that family members carry a heavy load. Transparency and open communication remain essential.

[00;53:04] Dr. Lakelyn:Understanding what matters most to your loved one guides your questions when interviewing communities. It should be a mutual fit for both sides. Nicole, you do incredible work with Rendever and your podcast. Can you share how Rendever supports communities and tell us about the WillGather Podcast?

[00;54:47] Nicole Will:It's been a dream! My background working in senior living and caring for my grandma led me to launch the WillGather Podcast ('Navigating the World with Your Aging Loved One'). That work connected me with Kyle Rand, CEO of Rendever.Rendever started 10 years ago on the premise that shared experiences build deeper relationships to combat loneliness and isolation. Through virtual reality (VR) immersive experiences, residents can travel the world together or revisit childhood homes, sparking conversation and connection. Rendever also offers evidence-based cognitive/physical exercise (Rendever Fit), virtual dementia empathy training for staff and families to experience living with dementia, and tools to measure and support social health.Rendever received an NIH grant to study VR tools reducing loneliness in home care and senior living settings. Joining the Rendever team was an easy 'yes' because it brings all my passions together! Learn more at Rendever.com and WillGatherPodcast.com.

[00;59:54] Dr. Lakelyn:It's wonderful when professional experience culminates in work you love! Having experienced Rendever's virtual reality dementia empathy training myself, I know how powerful it is. Thank you so much for sharing your insights with our Caregiver Chats community today.

[01;01;06] Nicole Will:It's a dream to be here in person! Thank you for the opportunity to share and for your friendship.

[01;01;24] Dr. Lakelyn:Nicole, thank you for coming back to Caregiver Chats. I love that we could build on our first conversation by taking a closer look at senior living. I hope listeners carry Nicole's reminder: 'Start with the person, not the building.' The goal is to find a place where your loved one can feel connected, valued, and able to thrive—because simply living in a community does not always mean having community.Whether you're searching for a community or your loved one has already moved, keep asking questions and stay involved. If you found today's episode helpful, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another caregiver. Connect with me on Instagram @HomeInsteadInc for updates and tips. Thanks for listening, and please remember to take good care of yourself while you care for others. Caregiver Chats is brought to you by Home Instead; visit homeinstead.com to learn more.