If you feel like you don’t know what to say or do around someone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, you are certainly not alone. Aside from professional caregivers, almost everyone feels uncertain about how to behave around terminally ill people. Let this guide be starting place toward helping you better support your loved one.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Give your loved one an opportunity to talk about their current situation, and their thoughts and feelings around it, on their terms. Rather than guessing or assuming how they must be feeling, let them tell you in their own words.
For example, use questions such as “What are you feeling now?” (Not “How are you feeling now?” which people tend to answer with “fine” automatically) or “What’s going on in your mind right now?”
It can also be beneficial to ask your loved one directly how you can best support them. Take the guesswork out of an already tense situation by asking something along the lines of, “What can I do to help you the most?” or “How can I make you more comfortable?”
These are open questions that allow for your loved one to reply in any way. Closed questions, on the other hand, can only be answered yes or no, which limits their ability to express themselves. Some common closed questions to avoid might be, “Are you feeling ok?” “Can I get you anything?” “Are you comfortable?”
Follow Their Lead When Talking About Death
Everyone is different. There are countless factors that go into how a person thinks or feels when diagnosed with a terminal illness. Some people easily accept their circumstances and are even able to maintain a positive attitude or make jokes. Others may be in denial or too uncomfortable or afraid to speak openly about death and dying. Whatever their position, be respectful of their wishes and do your best to match their tone rather than trying to force them to see things your way.
Focus on Positive Memories
At the end of their lives, most people enjoy looking back and remembering the good times. You might recount old stories of fun times or show photos of happy moments. Now is not the time to drag up old grudges or rivalries; let bygones be bygones and choose to focus on the positive.
Remember the Five Statements
Leading palliative care physician and end-of-life expert Ira Byock has compiled a list of five statements that he has found to be most beneficial for people supporting their dying loved ones. These phrases often help people to find a sense of closure and peace. They are:
- I love you
- I forgive you
- Forgive me
- Thank you
- Goodbye
Be Your Genuine Self Rather than Putting on a Strong Facade
Don’t feel like you need to keep a smile on your face and pretend like everything is fine. In fact, your loved one will likely feel the most comfortable if you are honest with them about your feelings surrounding their condition. Sometimes, too, people tend to busy themselves with menial tasks and chores in the presence of someone suffering from terminal illness to keep themselves busy. Let the nurses or hospice care workers handle those things. Just being with the person, whether talking or simply spending time, is usually more meaningful and comforting.
Help Them Make Necessary Plans
Does your loved one have a will? What choices have they made regarding pain management and life support? Have they requested a do not resuscitate order? These are just some of the decisions that a terminally ill person will need to make. If it is appropriate for you to do so, you can gently help to guide your loved one toward finishing these details.
If your loved one would prefer to stay at home rather than spend their final days in a hospital, contact Home Instead today. We offer professional, compassionate hospice care in Lafayette, LA, and the surrounding area.
