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Bereavement is difficult regardless of how old we are or whom we are
grieving. But many of us can’t imagine anything more painful than having
one of our own children predecease us. At any age. July is National
Bereaved Parents Month, and we at Home Instead Senior Care serving the
Southeast Valley would like to take this opportunity to offer some ways
you can support a senior in your life who has lost a child or
grandchild. These suggestions can also apply to those experiencing the
loss of any loved one.
- Ask the question: Many parents
long to keep the memory of their deceased child alive by talking about
them, while others feel it is a private matter. Before you assume one
way or the other, ask your senior his or her wishes and respect them. It
may be uncomfortable in the moment but it will help you better comfort
your senior in the long run.
- There is no timetable for grief:
Whether your senior’s child died decades ago or last year, there will
probably always be days when they feel an acute sense of loss. Take the
time to honor and acknowledge that feeling, then gently try to engage
your senior in something that will help them focus on more positive
things.
- Avoid platitudes: Some things that are intended to be helpful can sound preachy. According to the American Hospice Foundation, the following phrases are the types of things best left unsaid:
- "I
know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could,
instead, ask your senior to tell you how he or she feels.
- "It's
part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often
respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
- "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
- "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
- "This
is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the
bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means
"forgetting" his or her loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said
than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
- Statements
that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too
directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought
about. . ." or "You might. . ."
- You can’t take the place, but you can take the time:
If your senior has special memories of a certain activity they used to
do with the deceased, such as reading aloud or going to ball games,
consider taking on that role, or something similar, in your senior’s
life. Be sure to do this with the understanding (tacit or spoken) that
you are not trying to replace the deceased, simply to create new
memories to share with your senior.
For more information, please call Home Instead Senior Care of the Southeast Valley at 480-827-4343 or Like us on Facebook.