• 40/70: Seven Tips to Help Boomer Children Communicate With Their Aging Parents
• 70/40: Ten Tips to Help Seniors Communicate with Their Boomer Children

Seven Tips to Help Boomer Children Communicate With Their Aging Parents:

Many adult children of aging adults know how difficult it can be to talk with their parents about certain topics. Following, from Home Instead Senior Care and communication expert Jake Harwood, Ph.D., from the University of Arizona, are tips to help family caregivers communicate with their aging parents on sensitive subjects.

1. Get Started.
   If you’re 40 or your parents are 70, it’s time to start observing and gathering information carefully and thoughtfully. Don’t reach a conclusion from a single observation and decide on the best solution until you have gathered information with an open mind and talked with your parents.
2. Talk it out.
   Approach your parents with a conversation. Discuss what you’ve observed and ask your parents what they think is going on. If your parents acknowledge the situation, ask what they think would be good solutions. If your parents don’t recognize a problem, use concrete examples to support your case.
3. Sooner is best.
   Talk sooner rather than later when a crisis has occurred. If you know your loved one has poor eyesight or has trouble driving at night, begin to address those issues before a problem arises.
4. Forget the Baby Talk
   Remember you are talking to an adult, not a child. Patronizing speech or baby talk will put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect for them. Put yourself in your parents’ shoes and think of how you would want to be addressed in the situation.
5. Maximize the Independence.
   Always try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person. Look for answers that optimize strengths and compensate for problems. For instance, if your loved ones need help at home, look for tools that can help them maintain their strengths. Professional caregiving services, such as those offered by Home Instead Senior Care, provide assistance in a number of areas including meal preparation, light housekeeping or medication reminders. Or find friends who can help.
6. Be aware of the whole situation.
   If your dad dies and soon afterward your mom’s house seems to be in disarray, it’s probably not because she suddenly became ill. It’s much more likely to stem from a lack of social support and the loss of a life-long relationship. Make sure that your mom has friends and a social life.
7. Ask for Help
   Many of the issues of aging can be solved by providing parents with the support they need to continue to maintain their independence. Resources such as Home Instead Senior Care, Area Agencies on Aging and local senior centers can help provide those solutions.

Back to the Top

1. Be assertive . . .
   There will be situations where people talk to you in ways that are inappropriate. You may be patronized, put down or abused, even by family members. Assertiveness involves figuring out what you need in a specific situation, stating that clearly and definitively so that the other person can't fail to understand. Then don't allow the conversation to be sidetracked onto other issues.
2. . . . Not aggressive.
   Aggressive communication includes negative personal attacks on the other person as well as insults. Even if they make you feel good, these attacks are unlikely to be helpful and will probably just reinforce someone else's negative perception of you. When the focus becomes the other person, you've lost the ability to talk about what you want to talk about.
3. Be selective.
   Pick your battles. In some circumstances it may be easier to walk away or go along with something. You can't fight every battle or you'll exhaust yourself and alienate those around you. Save the assertive behavior for the situations where it is most important; that will also make it more effective.
4. Optimize your energy.
   Look for the places and times in which you are most effective in getting what you need out of conversations; plan to have important conversations at those places and times. If you're more on your toes in the mornings, then arrange for meetings at that time so that you're likely to get the most out of them.
5. Compensate for weaknesses.
   If you are having trouble hearing, or if it seems like people around you are not speaking clearly, get a hearing test and don't feel embarrassed if you need a hearing aid. Some hearing loss is a normal part of aging, and can be very effectively dealt with. The same applies to other things: if you forget important things that you wanted to talk about with someone (whether a family member or your physician), get into the habit of keeping lists or notes to remind you.
6. Seek independence, avoid dependence.
   Seek social contact where people encourage you to do things yourself and where they challenge you mentally or physically. Avoid spending lots of time in situations where everything is done for you. Even if people are doing this out of love or respect, spending too much time in situations where you are passive is bad for you. It can literally be bad for your health to be waited on all the time. If you need help to remain independent, seek out resources such as the Home Instead Senior Care network.
7. Raise the issue.
   Often there are issues that everyone knows are out there. Consider what your child might want to know, and if you have the opportunity to raise the issue, do it. A child may find it difficult to talk about a will. It's relatively straightforward, though, for you to mention to your child that you have one and it's all in order. If the topic is a difficult one, it is often helpful to "set the stage" by prefacing a conversation with "I want to talk to you about something . . ."
8. Defend without defensiveness.
   Your child may come to you with what seems to be an accusation—perhaps it seems like your child is saying that you're not safe to drive anymore. Think about how to defend against this without defensiveness. Conflict and anger rarely change minds, but frank and constructive discussions can. Offer to take a driving test or a defensive driving course to demonstrate your competence. If a child is suggesting taking away your car keys, consider offering a compromise (you won't drive at night; you'll reduce your driving). Looking for places where you are comfortable meeting someone halfway will increase your chances of getting your own way on the issues most important to you.
9. Look for points of agreement.
   Even if you disagree with 90 percent of what someone is saying, don't forget to point out where you do agree: common ground is a good starting point for resolving problems. Talking about where you agree also demonstrates that you've listened carefully to what the other person is saying.
10. Listen and put yourself in the other person's shoes.
    When children come to you with an issue, it's normally because they're concerned and because they care. Even if you don't like what they have to say, appreciate why they are saying it. Remember feelings you had for your parents when you were younger, and think about the trouble you might have had in raising difficult issues with them. Your child is feeling that same anxiety, so even if you disagree, look for ways to express your appreciation for their motivation. "I know you're saying this because you care about me." Expressing gratitude, caring, love and appreciation demonstrates your desire to maintain a positive relationship, no matter what the outcome of the current conversation.

Need more information, visit our Where to Get Help page or Conversations Starters page.

Please download the "70/40; Ten Tips to Help Seniors Communicate with Their Boomer Children" PDF (1 MB).

Back to the Top