Making Sense Of
It All
Sometimes I sit here and try to make sense of it all, I don’t usually succeed but never the less I still try. So, here I am, 53 yrs old, very close to being 54, I have heart failure, Early onset of Alzheimer’s and on Sept the 6th I go into hospital for an exploration op to see if I have bladder or prostate cancer!! Please forgive me if I feel a little sorry for myself for a co...uple of minutes but I am sure you will understand.
Thing is, sometimes, people ask how I manage to carry on, how I keep it all together and how I face each day with all this hanging over me? But the answer is always the same, what choice do I have? How else could I hope to deal with it if it wasn’t head on?? Yes, I could crumble and lock myself away; yes I could just totally give up and refuse any medication saying “What’s the point! And YES I could walk down that very dark road and do something even worse!
Have I ever thought about any of the above? You are Dammed right I have!! I could not look any of you or my family in the eye and say in all honesty I haven’t thought about all of them at one time or another. I was 44yrs old when I was diagnosed with heart failure, my whole world fell apart, I was given less than 12 months to live and I was told I would never work again. But, because of the wonders of medicine, a complete lifestyle change and me being the stubborn B****er I am, I lived to fight another year, only to be told at 50yrs old that I had Dementia!!
Well, you can only imagine what kind of body blow it was for me, and it admittedly took me some time to digest the news shall we say. After I had thrown all my toys out of the pram and finished stamping my feet and shaking my fist at the SKY I then decided to make sure something good comes from this, and so we set out on our Journey to raise awareness and help others as much as possible. Dementia Awareness day was born, and the rest as they say will hopefully become History.
In all this time there are people, who are all Heroes in my eyes, having to put up with the same devastating news and trying to deal with it as well and that’s my family and good friends. Whilst I was feeling sorry for myself and stamping around they were the ones who had to stand by and watch me go through all this, they had to catch me when I fell, pick me up when I was down and bring me back to life when I thought all was at an end. These are the ones who had to deal with all that, as well as try to deal with the bad news that comes along with all this. They had to try and make sense of all this as well as me!
So, to all my family, and everyone of my friends out there, who have walked every yard with me along this awful path, please know that as far as I’m concerned YOU ARE THE REAL HEROES !! As for the Cancer, if it is Cancer, HOW DARE YOU!! HOW VERY DARE YOU!!! Its often said things come in three`s, well, I don’t care if it comes in three`s fours or fives!! With all my family and friends on my side, how can we possibly lose!!!
THANK YOU ONE AND ALL xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Just For One Second
Yesterday, just before the memory cafe, I suddenly found myself walking towards Babbacombe Downs. Now when I say “Suddenly” I mean exactly that! I stood rooted to the spot, looking all around me in a kind of amazement, if that’s even the right word for it. Thing is, I had no memory of how I got there!
The last thing ...I could remember was being sat at the breakfast table with my Angel” Elaine eating my grapefruit. Elaine took my hand gently and pulled me to one side, she had noticed by the look in my eyes there was something wrong and kindly guided me to a seat. We sat there in silence just for a minute while I tried to get my bearings and slowly but surely it all came back. Elaine is not only my “Angel” but also my “Rock” She sat holding me and chatting to me, telling me what we had done that morning and how we had laughed at something on the telly. I couldn’t remember a lot of it but I was comforted by knowing we had laughed, but worse was yet to come!
The afternoon went really well as you know by how I wrote about it, and as the evening blended into night, sleep was very welcomed, but today “Just For A Second” my whole world came crashing down.
I am not only ashamed to say this, but also very frightened but I feel it’s something I have to share with you all. I sat there at the breakfast table this morning; I looked up and there, “JUST FOR A SECOND” was someone I didn’t recognise!! Is this my carer came the question racing across my brain? Then it was GONE! As quick as it came, and there stood in front on me my “Angel” Elaine. As Elaine and I always do, we talked about this and Elaine as always, told me how well I am doing and how well I will continue to do with her by my side. She reassured me of how she will always be there no matter what and try not to worry.
I am at this moment “NUMB” with such a thing happening and the thought of me forgetting Elaine, my family or any of my friends absolutely devastates me, but one thing I am sure of, is with the love of such a wonderful family and support from the best friends in the world, both Real and Virtual, we will get through this, DEAR GOD I HOPE A CURE COMES SOON
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Forgetting
All my fears have just come true,
For a fleeting moment, I forgot you,
It wasn’t you, so who did I see?
...Standing right in front of me
I stood there looking, in your eyes,
Deep within my heart cry`s,
Is this the beginning of the end?
All alone, no memory`s friend,
My whole body, shakes with fear,
Heavy heart, Salty tears,
My promise is, with every breath,
To remember you until my death,
I might not show it, but please believe,
Within my heart you will never leave
“A Moment Passed”
By Norrms McNarama
Yesterday evening, here in Torquay we had a break in the clouds, so we decided that we would have a short drive down the seafront and through Torquay. It was just one of those days where the worries of the world seemed to playing on my mind and even worse “My Angel” Elaine’s mind, so a drive down the coast was just a reminder of why we moved here and why we love it here. After a while of “doing What the Tourists do” loll, sightseeing and watching the world go by we set off home through Torquay and drove up to the lights where the Central Church of Torquay is (its name is so apt as that’s exactly where it is !!LOL) Then it happened, I suddenly realised I had absolutely no idea where I was!!!!
My heart started to race as I began to panic!! Nothing looked even remotely familiar!! My eyes scanned the horizon and surrounding buildings for anything that I could remember but nothing!! Apparently according to Elaine a small sharp whimper left my lips which alerted Elaine to my plight. “WHERE ARE WE??? I Demanded!! “Where are we??” I kept repeating.
Elaine, with all her 30 years of care experience managed to calm me down, and started to point out where we where and where we were going. Nothing was coming back to me for what seemed an age and it wasn’t until we pulled into the road we live on that it all come flooding back!! If you remember, this, or something similar happened to me a while ago whilst I was putting my lottery on, but please believe me when I say it’s just as frightening no matter how many times it happens. It’s as though somebody just switches a switch and off the memories go.
For anybody who doesn’t have this awful disease just try, even for just a second to imagine how frightening that is!! It’s truly horrifying!! There have to be others in my position, that are going through the same thing right at this moment, yet we hear very little about this?
Is it because they are ashamed of it happening? Is it because they are in Denial and just put it down to forgetfulness? Or is it because they fear its some kind of insanity which has blighted their lives??
Whatever it is, I believe it’s up to each and every one of us to tell those people “ITS OK TO TALK ABOUT IT!!! “ITS OK TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT” And until we do, until we ALL show some kind of empathy and understanding of this disease, the stigma of this disease will never diminish and the shame that some people feel will never be washed away.
I for one, as you know am quite willing to stand up and be counted!!! And I hope and pray that one day; many more will join me in raising our voices, and together we can defeat this awful disease once and for all.
Best wishes,
Norrms and Family xxxxxxxxxxxx”
