Here are some recommended ways for baby boomers to open conversations with their aging parents on common senior issues. The responses were developed by Home Instead Senior Care in cooperation with Jake Harwood, a professor and author from the University of Arizona with expertise in communication and aging.

Eyesight Your 70-year-old widowed mother has been diagnosed with macular degeneration, a disease that causes eyesight failure.

Many seniors in this situation might begin the conversation with family members themselves. If not, then it would be good to think about her personal circumstances and important areas to address. For example, if your mother lives in a remote area, transportation is probably the most immediate issue. Approach the conversation with the goal of trying to resolve that one issue, rather than the multiple issues her failing eyesight could trigger. There are rarely urgent deadlines that have to be met, so give yourself and your parent time to think about other issues. Your mom likely would be receptive to a conversation that begins: "Let's figure out a plan for how you can get around town if you no longer feel safe driving."

Driving

A neighbor of your 83-year-old father has called to tell you he saw your father back his car into a light pole.

If the damage is visible, you could ask, "Hey dad, what happened to the car?" Or you could bring up the phone call from his neighbor. "Fred from next door called and said he saw you run your car into the light pole."

This is an example of a situation that calls for more general observation. Take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help you gauge your father's skills and deficits. For example, an older adult who consciously reduces driving at night because of vision issues or who drives a little slower to account for reaction time is probably safe.

On the other hand, an 83-year-old who insists on driving on icy highways at night while doing 75 mph is probably in need of immediate intervention. Then gear your comments accordingly. If you are concerned that your dad is unsafe on the roads, make his safety and that of others your focus. "Dad, I'm worried that you're no longer safe on the roads and that others could be at risk as well."

Housekeeping: You find that your 77-year-old mother's house is often in disarray. You believe it's time for her to make a change in her living arrangement.

Observation and careful attention to the problem should be your first course of action. Avoid diagnosing a problem and deciding on a solution quickly. Approach your mother with a sense of working together to find a solution rather than telling her what to do. Specific circumstances such as financial constraints, could be relevant.

Is the problem simply that your mother is physically challenged by strenuous housework, or is she deteriorating mentally? Does she just need help tidying up or are other aspects of her personal care, such as bathing, going downhill? Assuming the problem is physical where vacuuming or bending are becoming difficult, then say, "Mom, I have some extra cash. What do you say we find someone to help you with the heavy stuff like vacuuming? It will be my treat."

Seniors are often very willing to accept help around the house. And most communities have ample resources such as cleaning services and professional senior care businesses.

Money: Your parents have always been very independent and private about handling their finances. Lately you've seen that they've been cutting back on food and other necessary products. You're concerned that their staples are in short supply. This is a tough one and probably a situation where you just need to bite the bullet and talk about it, no matter how uncomfortable. You might start by saying "Boy, there's not much food around this place, where are you guys eating?" Pay attention to the tone you use. It could be said in an accusatory tone or a humorous tone, which is more likely to get a positive response.

If that approach is too informal, be more straightforward: "Mom, I'm a bit concerned about whether you and Dad are eating enough." Malnourishment can be a significant problem with older adults, and can be a sign that other issues besides money might need attention like health care and even depression. If evidence points to a financial issue, ask about that directly or simply make an offer: "I know you're pretty private about money, but you know that if you even ran into problems I'd do what I could to help, right?"

And don't forget about different communication channels. Sometimes, it's easier to at least start the discussion of emotional or private issues in a less personal communication medium, even if it's only to say that you want to talk to them about the issue. For some people, raising this kind of issue can be easier on the phone, or even in an e-mail.

Once you've let them know what you want to talk to them about, it'll be a lot easier to raise the topic in person. You may even find them doing it for you with a response like "What's with this e-mail you sent us?"

--Dan Howley



Online quiz Adult children can complete an online assessment of the quality of their conversations with their parents by going to http://www.4070talk.com and clicking on ``Communication Assessment.''